i saw a sign on the bay bridge that says "Please Do Not Drink & Drive". good advice, but naive. it is stupid to pretend ppl dont drive after drinking. sure, we try not to, but there will always be occasions where someone will be driving drunk or buzzed ("Buzzed Driving is Drunk Driving!"). how about, instead, we help drunks drive better? so here is my list of tips for making you a better drunk driver:

1. stay within the speed limit
this is pretty self-explanatory. chances are when you're drunk driving, it is 2am and dark with not too many others around. so stay within reasonable limits.

2. look directly in front of you
peripheral vision is for suckers who pretend they're not drunk. when you're drunk, theres only one thing you should be thinking about: a direct line home into bed. don't move your head too much unless you absolutely need to, since doing that will probably make you drift. when you're on the freeway, stick with one lane and try ur hardest to not drift outside the lines.

3. don't do anything crazy
don't fumble around with your nav system or reach for stuff in your glove compartment. depending on how drunk/sleepy you are, cell phones might be helpful. but i always found windows slightly cracked and music helps more.

if you're about to yak, just give up and dont get into a car.